Our Penance Combined
by markelsparks
Summary: *AU with spoilers* Unable to will himself to destroy Zelos's Cruxis Crystal, Lloyd carries it with him as a memento, believing that he is keeping a small piece of Zelos alive. Little does he know, it contains more of his friend that he originally thinks, and equipping the crystal leaves both he and Zelos to deal with a much deeper problem as their consciousness begin to merge.
1. Chapter 1

"Well, Zelos, it's over, "Lloyd began with a sigh. He sat on the roof on the inn in the quiet of the night, torn between watching the stars above or Zelos' Cruxis Crystal held gently in his hands. The final battle with Mithos was over, the tree restored, the worlds united, and the party had gone to Luin for a long deserved rest. Lloyd however, found himself unable to sleep, needing to find closure with one of his fallen comrades.

"I don't even know if you can hear me, but I can't help but feel like part of you is still alive in your Crystal. I know you want me to destroy it, but you have to understand how hard it was to…" He let out a shaky breath, looking mournfully at the gem. "I haven't had a good night's sleep since I-since I killed you. I can't get the image out of my head. I know I've killed a lot of people; Desians, angles, anyone who tried to stop us, and it's hard enough for me to accept that I've taken so many lives. But at least I can try to justify it. No matter how hard I try to convince myself I had no choice, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for killing you. You weren't a bad person, Zelos, and I keep telling myself that maybe if I trusted you more you would have seen that for yourself.

"I know a lot of the time you were spying on us, but I still can't shake the feeling that part of you actually wanted to help us. I just wish that… If you wanted to die so badly, you didn't make me be the one to do it. Maybe…I didn't trust you as much as I could have. But you didn't make it easy for me, you know? You kept lying and hiding things from us, so what was I supposed to do? As much as I wanted to think you were on our side, I just couldn't justify taking that chance and causing more trouble for everyone, you know?

"I know it's unfair of me to do this to you, especially after you specifically asked me to…to destroy this, but I just… It was hard enough for me to fight you, so please don't make me kill this too. Just let me be a little selfish for once. I really thought you'd be fighting with us against Cruxis, and I think it's too soon for me to really come to terms with what happened, so just let me keep this with me a little bit longer."


	2. Chapter 2

Lloyd rapped on the Sages' front door, announcing himself before a muffled "Come in" answered from inside. Letting himself in, he found Raine sitting at her desk with papers and books scatted across it. "Genis said you were looking for me," he greeted, pulling over a chair.

Closing a book on a marked page, Raine turned to her pupil. "I was. I wanted to ask how your journey's been going. You've been gone for two months. You must be exhausted."

"Yeah. Sorry I didn't stop in yesterday. I was just looking forward to going home and sleeping in my own bed," he admitted with a guilty laugh. "It's so much better than sleeping at an inn or on the ground, but I'm sure you remember."

"It's hard not to. We all traveled for a long time together."

"Yeah, we did," Lloyd nodded, smile slipping from his face. "I guess you could say it's been pretty successful so far. I mean, we've collected a lot of exspheres already, but most of the people we took them from didn't want to give them up, so we didn't have much of a choice but to use force."

Raine nodded wisely, understanding fully well what he meant. "You did what you had to."

"Yeah, I guess," he shrugged, leaving their conversation to fall into a silence.

"Lloyd, something's been bothering you for a while now, hasn't it? Since the worlds have merged, you haven't quite been yourself. It's understandable, seeing as it was a tough journey for all of us, but I feel like there's something more than just that. It isn't like you to hide things."

She got a sigh in response. "Genis said something, didn't he?"

"He's worried, Lloyd. We _all_ are. Even your father asked me the other day if I knew what was going on. He said you've even been avoidant with him."

The swordsman's gaze drifted to somewhere across the room. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"You know you can trust us with whatever's bothering you."

Lloyd's arms crossed his chest defensively, though the look in his eyes was more uncertain. "I know. It's not about that."

"Lloyd," she began softly, placing a gently hand on his shoulder, "I only want to help, but I can't if you won't let me." Getting no verbal response, Raine sighed as she watched the inner turmoil dance in her student's eyes. "Is it your exsphere?"

Eyes abruptly widening, a look of almost panic crossed his face as he met the concerned expression of his teacher.

"It is, isn't it? I'd been wondering about it for a while. Back then on Derris-Kharlan, you acquired angelic wings though your exsphere. It's evolved into a Cruxis Crystal, hasn't it?"

Taking his speechlessness as affirmation, Raine continued. "I figured as much. Keeping these things to yourself, you're only doing the same as Collette did. Tell me, what other sort of changes have you been experiencing?"

Lloyd opened and closed his mouth unintelligibly a few times before deciding how to answer, a rush of relief washing over him amid lingering guilt. "I…It's nothing that's been a problem! I can control it like Colette and Kratos can, so it's not a problem. Really."

"Lloyd, that doesn't answer my question," she stated, noting his continuing reluctance to offer proper answers.

"It's the same things that they have. Like sharper hearing, heightened senses, I can control if I need sleep or food. Stuff like that. I usually shut most of it off, though. I don't really think it's necessary."

"Are you able to use Angelic Artes as well?"

"I dunno, I haven't tried."

"I really don't understand why you feel like you need to hide this," Raine mused aloud, leaning back with a sigh. Something just didn't add up.

"I just didn't want anyone to worry. It's something I can deal with myself."

The conversation died down into a silence as Raine sat in deep thought, turning over in her mind what she had heard, Lloyd fidgeting uncomfortable as he watched.

After what seemed like an eternity, the professor finally looked back up at her pupil, a finger tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Lloyd, I'm not sure if you remember, it probably seemed insignificant at the time, but if I recall correctly Altessa had mentioned something about dwarfs being able to tell the difference between a normal exsphere and a Cruxis crystal, subtle as they may be. I find it interesting that your father hasn't noticed, even after having Collette's Cruxis crystal to compare it to all this time."

The inquiring tone of her voice combined with the set look she gave him were more than enough for Lloyd to realize there was no longer any point of trying to keep his secret.

Watching his shoulders deflate in defeat, Raine sighed, her soft side showing as she found herself feeling bad for him even after knowing she was being lied to.

"Lloyd, I don't understand why you of all people are lying. This isn't like y-"

"I'm not lying." His tone was fixed, eyes avoiding her gaze as he spoke." I do have a Cruxis crystal, it' just not mine."

"…I don't understand. Why would you equip one when you already have your exsphere? Where did you even get one?"

"…It belongs to Zelos."


End file.
